Yesterday, Apple released its earnings report for the March quarter. Did they announce an iWatch? No. Did they announce an iTV? No.

But analysts trotted out their favorite imaginary Apple product. The iDon’t-Give-A-Rat’s-What-Your-Report-Says-I’m-Gonna-Paint-It-Red.

I sincerely believe that you could take the last five Apple earnings calls, string them together and release them as a series for Shark Week on the Discovery Channel.

Definitely, compared to recent earnings reports, it was a mixed bag. But while the rest of the industry was tanking, Apple managed to earn $9.5b. I wish that I had brought in 0.01% that much personally last quarter. I could stop writing rants about adle-brained analysts!

Apple sold more iPhones than this quarter a year ago. They also practically double the number of iPads in the same time frame! They did sell less laptops. 2% less. The industry’s sales on average in the double digits. In this economy, to me at least, that’s a win. At worst, a wash.

But, as expected, analysts trotted out their own Reality Distortion Field. Ignore the bigger picture and treat Apple as journalistic chum.

Apple announced that the iTunes Store raked in $4b. They announced a massive share buy back. And, I haven’t found this verified elsewhere, I believe that they announced that they increased sales of the iMac. If so, you’ve overcome two obstacles – slow economy and selling a desktop computer IN A MOBILE SOCIETY!

I’ll bet you any amount of money that at this very moment Steve Balmer’s wishing that he could drum up such a disastrous quarter.