Baseless Analytics has an immediate position available for an Apple, Inc. market analyst.
The. Ideal candidate should possess the following qualifications:
– No knowledge of the stock market, whatsoever
– No understanding of Apple’s past or present business strategies
– Must be proficient in Excel
– Currently employed by Samsunge
– A ‘chicken-little’ attitude concerning earnings reports
– A complete lack of math skills
– No sense of reasoning
– An ability to create baseless paranoia
– The ability to mindlessly parrot other analysts
– Excel at plagiarism
The qualified candidate will possess an autographed picture of Steve Balmer and a delusional sense of reality.
Please submit all resumes to: