Freshly Squeezed OpEd: Wanted: AAPL Analyst

Baseless Analytics has an immediate position available for an Apple, Inc. market analyst.

The. Ideal candidate should possess the following qualifications:

    • – No knowledge of the stock market, whatsoever


    • – No understanding of Apple’s past or present business strategies


    • – Must be proficient in Excel


    • – Currently employed by Samsunge


    • – A ‘chicken-little’ attitude concerning earnings reports


    • – A complete lack of math skills


    • – No sense of reasoning


    • – An ability to create baseless paranoia


    • – The ability to mindlessly parrot other analysts


    – Excel at plagiarism

The qualified candidate will possess an autographed picture of Steve Balmer and a delusional sense of reality.

Please submit all resumes to:

Baseless Analytics
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