Freshly Squeezed OpEd: Wanted: AAPL Analyst

Baseless Analytics has an immediate position available for an Apple, Inc. market analyst.

The. Ideal candidate should possess the following qualifications:

    • – No knowledge of the stock market, whatsoever

 

    • – No understanding of Apple’s past or present business strategies

 

    • – Must be proficient in Excel

 

    • – Currently employed by Samsunge

 

    • – A ‘chicken-little’ attitude concerning earnings reports

 

    • – A complete lack of math skills

 

    • – No sense of reasoning

 

    • – An ability to create baseless paranoia

 

    • – The ability to mindlessly parrot other analysts

 

    – Excel at plagiarism

The qualified candidate will possess an autographed picture of Steve Balmer and a delusional sense of reality.

Please submit all resumes to:

Baseless Analytics
123 Haven’t-A-Clue
Oz

About ympnow

Turn on, double click, drop out. View all posts by ympnow

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: