Baseless Analytics has an immediate position available for an Apple, Inc. market analyst.
The. Ideal candidate should possess the following qualifications:

• – No knowledge of the stock market, whatsoever

• – No understanding of Apple’s past or present business strategies

• – Must be proficient in Excel

• – Currently employed by Samsunge

• – A ‘chicken-little’ attitude concerning earnings reports

• – A complete lack of math skills

• – No sense of reasoning

• – An ability to create baseless paranoia

• – The ability to mindlessly parrot other analysts

– Excel at plagiarism

The qualified candidate will possess an autographed picture of Steve Balmer and a delusional sense of reality.
Please submit all resumes to:
Baseless Analytics
123 Haven’t-A-Clue
Oz